Hello again

First off I went for the audition but turned it down when they offered it me. Everyone there was twelve and although I miss my extreme youth I am not at the age yet where I feel I need to suck it dry from those younger than me or feel that being surrounded by youth and beauty means I must also be the same. Give me six months or so. 

I have had no internet for a while thanks to my crappy provider so that’s why I’ve been absent. Although Shira you seem to be the only one to have missed me at all. 

Before my net connection went I became a little obsessed and in love with a group of bloggers over at Gay Men Rule. So I’m glad I can catch up with what’s going on with them. I have almost convinced myself that I could move to the
US and eventually be invited to join them in their jolly bloggery. Seriously there is something for every mood over their and I have fallen in love with them all a little. 

I have been listening to Maragert Cho’s stand-up she is very funny but I don’t think my mum would like all the swearing. 

I have also fallen in love with a British IT girl. Tara Palmer Tompkinson. Although a little crazy there is something about her personality that is talking to me at the moment. She is in a celebrity charity reality talent show to raise money for comic relief. That was a mouthful. I can’t watch her without crying (she isn’t the most talented singer) 

I am extremely emotional at the moment and have no way of controlling it. Any suggestions? It must be my hormones

Whiskey leads to Go-go?

note this pic is not of me I am not this pretty.

This weekend Hag and I went clubbing. This is not a rare occasion and in itself does not deserve a blog. 

Two things happened that made it worthy of note however. 

First off I was dancing on the stage and Hag was busy flitting around like the social butterfly she is. Talking to the beautiful gay boys and finding out which of them would be willing to show her their underwear. You’d be surprised by how many are willing to whip out (not off) their Calvins and she likes to keep a list. Like notches on a bed post. This was a particular fulfilling evening for her. She even managed to find a rugged skin head who had replaced the uniform Calvins with very tight and appealing blue Speedos. This one excited her so much she came to find me and made him show me and we both sighed happily and asked him if we would come and live on our mantelpiece. He sadly declined but it was worth a try and we will always have happy memories. This is note worthy number one. 

The evening wore on and both of us were feeling no pain. By the end of the night as we were leaving, neither of us dizzy nor at all sick Hag notices a poster on the wall by the cloak room. Go-go dancers wanted. Well I’ve always had a hankering for dancing in cages with not much on and we discussed at drunken leisure the prospect of me having a career change. Well not change exactly but I could do with the extra cash. So drunk and full of enthusiasm we thought the best thing to do was to ring them then and there and leave a message. So I did. 

Today I got a phone call asking me to go for an audition tomorrow evening. I’d completely forgotten about the message and fumbled my words with shock. 

“What shall I wear?” I asked the nice man on the other end of the telephone.“As little as possible” said he. Of course not in a sexual harassment way. It’s an audition for a go-go dancer after all. 

I don’t know what to do. Should I go-go or should I leave it?

Woman of the week

x

Kate Bush 

Last night, through no fault of my own, I found myself stoned. Some hoodlum was walking past me in the street and blew cannabis smoke in my face several times. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

By the time I got home and had a glass of wine I was feeling no pain. In fact I was very relaxed and more than a little smiley. 

I put Kate Bush The Red Shoes on the stereo and plugged in my head phones. 

I can’t remember the last time I had done this and it felt quite decadent. 

It was mind blowing. Everything you expect it to be.  

I listened to the whole album and floated away with the music. I can’t wait to do it again. Moments of pleasure well it says it all in the title really 

So after all this time Kate Bush is my woman of the week. 

I do not condone the smoking of illegal substances.

Dear John … the reply

Look what the postman brought me.

It is signed and it is pretty. There was nothing else in the envelope. No special note for Fag. There wasn’t a letter suggesting a secret meeting. Nothing at all.

I was most upset. I cried myself to sleep last night. Indeed there were tears on my pillow.

I’ll take that as a no then.

John Barrowman does not want to fall in love with or see a photograph of my Fag. He is missing a treat, because Fag is very very pretty.

Although John is most lovely and delicious, I feel that I can not cope with any more rejection from him. He must realise that in rejecting my Fag, he is also rejecting me. This is most upsetting.

But I will not dwell. Bitterness is bad for the skin. 

Where shall I try next?

Hag x

My new Secondlife

I have a new secret life. Well not so secret now that I’ve told you guys. 

I am a Harajuku Male. I have no fixed abode. Well not yet anyway. 

My new secret life is my Secondlife. 

I’m addicted and I have no idea what I’m doing. Anyone with tips please feel free to help me. I mean really please please please help me I have no idea what I’m doing and I’ve been sucked into cyber space. 

HELP

Dear Simon …

Dear Simon* **

 

Thank you very much for your email and photograph.

 

I agree with you. Speedos, lifeguards and moustaches are all rather lovely. I am afraid that Fag and I will have to decline your offer of willy fun and frolics.

 

I am holding out for a hero. That’s a song that I like to sing. I am waiting for the drop-dead-swoon-worthy John Barrowman to reply to the letter that I wrote to him practically forever ago. I am sure that he will want to love Fag.

I suggest that you wait for forty seven days and then email again. I will put you on the ‘possibly if desperate’ list for now.

You are very nice and not at all scary. Honest.

Many thanks for the delightfully detailed email. I am very happy that you have had so much experience and that your willy does not have difficulty in getting big. I hope you are very satisfied and that you live happily ever after.

Love and snogs,

Hag and Fag x

*identity protected.

** we’ll call you Simon and not your real name David Smythe from Rhyl so that your identity is forever protected.

Screen Goddesses (A fag’s dream Hag)

 

Bette Davis I recently became a Fully Fledged Fag. For so long I had been teetering on the brink and ashamed of my lack of pure fag status. But now that is all changed and I can stand and rejoice in my FFF status.

 The reason for this shame was that I had never seen let alone quoted from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. 

But now I have and I can send a “letter to daddy” with the best of them. I haven’t seen all of Miss Davis’ movies yet but I’ve seen enough to grant her Dream hag status. 

In Jezebel she’s a bitch who goes on to work with Lepers In Whatever Happened to Baby Jane a has been vaudeville child star who drinks like a Navvy (bears a striking resemblance to Hag on a Monday morning hehehe) 

In All about Eve an ambitious bitch who goes to the theatre.  So a beautiful woman who drinks like a fish and not afraid to tie you up and kick you in the kidneys. What more can you ask for? Oh and she was in Return to Witch Mountain as well. Some prefer to forget about that one though.

This Week in Heat

 

Everybody is talking about Kylie. I always talk about Kylie because I love her very much. That Olivier was never good enough for her. Now there’s an exhibition of her clothes and instead of turning up fat and spotty due to excessive chocolate binging she is bright and shiny and showing the world she doesn’t care. She is very strong. 

There are many pages dedicated to the fall of Jade. It appears she is still the media queen she has always been. Is it wrong to feel a little sorry for her?  

Danielle is phoning Teddy constantly to apologize. She is officially granted title Crazy Stalker Ex-girlfriend. She is said to be very upset in her bikini. 

TPT wrote into reader’s letters denying calling Nikki (BB) a prossie. I like TPT and am very glad she knows how to write. 

Justin snogs Scarlett in new vid. Heat thinks this might upset Cameron. I disagree she is, after all, Cameron Diaz. Need I say more? 

Preston Walked off TV show because of jokes about his wife. Well she is “living the dream” and that upsets people. 

“Spaniel Ears” Jodie had her man tattoo his arm with Meat is Murder.
Jordan was unavailable for comment. 

Posh has styled Katie Holmes. I know for a fact that this is teenage obsession gone crazy. She saw Joey in
Dawson’s Creek and kloved her so much she has made it her aim to meet her and become best friends. And it worked. There is hope yet for me and Davina. 

Jen’s nose job is a success. We can all breathe easily now. 

Mathew Perry and Meg Ryan. Wow I never saw that one coming. 

Lily Allen watches Porn. How rude. She is a dirty dirty girl. I think we have something in common. 

Alesha sells wedding dress on ebay. Unfortunately it’s not my size and I don’t think icould slim down that much. 

Kate Moss wears three fur coats in a week. She is a very naught girl and I bet Jodi Marsh will beat her up. Maybe they will fight topless in mud and the men of the world will stand up in admiration. 

Davina is in new Garnier ad and her hair is Cream Golden Praline. Sounds good enough to eat. We love Davina and all her hair escapades. 

Dita Von Teese has been broken in two by her corset. It’s all about glamour. I love her so much I bought her book. She is the woman I wish I could be. 

Marcia Cross is MASSIVE. Of course she is pregnant and with twins no less. She looks like she is keeping those babies in by sheer will force. Let go Marcia I’m sure child birth is not that painful. Well maybe a bit. 

Vannessa Feltz can read upside down. Whilst wearing animal print. 

Denise Richards with ugly lobster in the sea. 

Torso of the week is Eric Mabius. I liked Ugly Betty for a week but then it got pants. 

Lots of women photographed dressed badly. Too much Carpet coat action for my liking. 

Jodi Marsh (she is very popular this week. Well done to her PR person) says she turned down Robbie. OK then. 

I do have to say that I am completely bored at this point. This week’s Heat does not live up to it’s promise and in response neither does this blog. 

Goodbye 

OOOOh Simon Pegg was last naked in the gym.

Man of the Week

So here he is our man of the week. 

Daniel Whiston. 

He is very beautiful and a figure skater. This is a very clever thing to be able to do. 

He can be seen on ITV on Saturdays in Dancing on Ice. 

You might even call him an Ice Prince.  If we were to meet and fall in love I would be an Ice Princess. 

During the week he wears glasses and looks very cute and studious. 

At the weekend he wears spangles and sparkles and is even more beautiful. 

I do realise that this is very gay. Even for us.

How People Find Us

It wuld appear that the top search term for people finding us here at FPB is…

(drum roll)

Da na na na na

Jemima Khan No Knickers.

We are happy to help and sorry for any disappointment at the lack of pics.